June 13, 2025

It's hard to predict what's going to happen next, since I went to bed last night hearing that the Middle East is on fire yet again. We also have a military parade and a number of protests that are either going to happen or get cancelled due to thunderstorms. Then there's also whether the parade, when mushed up against the protests, is going to turn into a domestic shooting match. This is not to mention whether that will then mix with the current shooting match occurring in the now-on-fire-yet-again Middle East, since we're of course tied to all that (yet again). And so on and so forth and so on and so forth.

This just never fucking stops, does it? At least I'm still getting to enjoy my farmer's markets and trips to Trader Joe's, though...

Saying anything else at this time feels ridiculous and I can't help feel a sense of cynical nihilism creeping over me again. I'm nowhere near the levels of depressed I would've been 10 years ago - I have people and puppies to keep living and fighting on for - but there's a wave of hopelessness that seems to crash over me whenever I check out how the world is going and it's been non-stop since 1995 for me (I was nine and my parents told me about the Oklahoma City bombing, which was my first time of really being aware of the larger world). 30 years of this awareness.

I'm lucky that most of my life has been more of a comedy personally. But knowing that tragedy is always going on somewhere and you have no chance of stopping it fucks with your head. It feels like just living is the best you can do in the face of it. I'm aware of how frivolous much of what I post/write about/live through seems when faced with everything going on. It's all just little things that ultimately don't matter but they somehow help keep me going. Little things that keep you from just giving up and shoving a knife into your throat.

I'm pretty sure I'm a coward in somebody's eyes but that frivolousness is helping preserve my strength since I sense bigger, scarier things are coming our way. Bigger rocks weighing me down more that all of the other ones tossed on me so far from the past 30 years. I don't know what to expect but if I keep doing what I'm doing currently, I might have more of that strength for when it's really required. - A.B. 6/13/25

P.S. So this entry's a little darker and more discombobulated than usual but it felt good to just knock it out of my system. When typing it out (I didn't actually write today's journal but rather word-vomited it within 10 minutes and it probably shows with it's circular thought patterns...), I kept the little I remember from Montaigne in mind and just focused on the contents of the heart. One of his most famous things from his essays was the focus on frankness and I try to do that the best I can.

The problem is, of course, when you write a public-facing blog is also that anyone can read it and therefore make your life a living hell should they decide to do so. Balancing between those things is always tough and I find myself speaking in euphemisms to keep my family safe and my job intact. Once of these days I'll feel more embolden to be true but I have others to think about first...

P.P.S. Thunderstorms are expected for tonight, so the whole area's in a flood watch but it's been sunny all morning. Today's album is Live and Dangerous by Thin Lizzy (1978), which is a band I forgot I liked a lot years ago and hadn't listened to in a while (been singing "Whiskey in the Jar" to myself several times).

Also thinking I might add some audio recordings of poems to future journal posts since I've been finding more that I'm enjoying . Today's is "To Elsie" by William Carlos William, which I found out through an obituary on Sly Stone quoting the very beginning of the poem as an epitaph.

Featured image is a photo of a Cancun sunset by Henrique Ferreira, for calming purposes.